Making Friends When You're Neurodivergent: Why It’s Harder — and What Actually Helps

Making Friends being a Neurodivergent

If you’re neurodivergent and struggling with friendship, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. Most of us grew up in environments that didn’t reflect how our brains work. From school hallways to college dorms to awkward workplace small talk, it can feel like everyone else got the secret manual on making friends. Spoiler: they didn’t. But neurotypical social rules are often unwritten—and when you’re navigating social burnout, sensory overwhelm, or rejection sensitivity, those rules can feel downright impossible.

The truth is, forming meaningful friendships as a neurodivergent adult requires more than just “put yourself out there.” It requires unlearning the belief that you have to mask who you are to belong—and learning how to connect in ways that are sustainable, safe, and self-honoring.

Why It’s Especially Hard for Neurodivergent Folks

Let’s name it: neurodivergent people—especially those with autism, ADHD, or both (hi, AuDHD fam!)—are often misunderstood in social spaces. We might miss or misinterpret social cues, need longer processing time, or struggle with initiating contact. Many of us also carry a history of being bullied, excluded, or pressured to change in order to “fit in.” That’s not just painful—it’s relational trauma.

What often gets missed is that neurodivergent social difficulties aren’t just about skills. They’re about safety. When you’ve learned that being your full self leads to judgment or rejection, it makes sense that reaching out feels risky. And when burnout or sensory sensitivity is in the mix, even the thought of a coffee date can feel overwhelming.

Friendship Scripts Are Real—And They Don’t Always Work for Us

Neurotypical friendship often follows invisible “scripts”: chat casually, hang out in groups, bond over small talk, and gradually build closeness. But for many neurodivergent adults, that script is either confusing or exhausting. We might want deeper, more focused connection sooner—or feel more comfortable one-on-one, around a shared interest, or in a text-based format.

That doesn’t mean we don’t want friends. It means we need a different map.

What Helps: Friendship on Your Terms

If traditional advice like “just join a group” hasn’t worked for you, try this instead:

  • Start with shared interests. Whether it’s an online forum, a local D&D group, or a niche book club, spaces where you can talk about things you actually care about often reduce the pressure of small talk.

  • Let yourself be picky. You don’t have to pursue every possible friendship. Not everyone is your person—and that’s okay.

  • Go slow. Building trust takes time, especially if your nervous system is used to bracing for rejection. Allow friendships to unfold gradually.

  • Try different formats. Voice memos, asynchronous chats, game nights, or even parallel play (doing something side by side without talking) can all be valid forms of connection.

  • Know your patterns. Are there times of day or days of the week when socializing feels more accessible? Plan around those, and honor your recovery needs afterward.

You Deserve Real Connection—Exactly As You Are

The narrative that neurodivergent people are “bad at friendship” is both harmful and false. What we often lack isn’t capacity—it’s access. It’s spaces that feel safe. It’s models of relationships that include our way of being in the world.

At IRL Social Skills, I help teens, young adults, and their families build those skills—not by trying to “fix” them, but by giving them the tools to create relationships that work for them. We focus on what’s real, what’s sustainable, and what honors the ways your brain moves through the world.

Because connection isn’t about performance. It’s about being seen—and still loved.

Mara McLoughlin